Sasukelicious
by TJ Dragonblade
Summary: Everybody wants Sasuke, but he's too hot for just *anyone*. From the prompt "Sasuke x ? - 'My body's too Sasukelicious for ya, babe ! '" Crack. M/M.  SasuSui; many other pairings mentioned.


In the beginning, when he was young and naive and had just gone through _that_ course at the academy and finally knew what sex was, there was Itachi.

Itachi broke his heart. Itachi smiled and ruffled his hair and told him, "You're sweet, Sasuke, but that's not the kind of thing that brothers should do together."

Sasuke sniffled a little - it was just snot in his nose, he wasn't _crying_ or anything - and tried to turn his feeling of rejection into something more palatable.

"That's okay, I guess," he said, and his voice _wasn't_ quavering, really, "this body's too Sasukelicious for you, anyway."

Itachi laughed, hand still resting in Sasuke's hair, and then patted his shoulder. "I suppose it is," he said, and Sasuke smiled a little, 'cause at least he'd made Itachi laugh, even though Itachi looked like he had troubling thoughts in his head all the time these days.

~*~  
>Later, when he was old enough to understand that sex with his brother really was a bad idea (<em>especially<em> when he'd vowed revenge against that brother for offing the rest of the clan), he looked in the mirror one day and realized that somehow, he'd turned out really hot.

He was not unhappy about this, because with his life going to shit the way it had the past few years, the least the universe could do for him was bless him with good looks. He gave the mirror his best sexy scowl, practicing the broody knit of his brow and the sulky twist of his mouth, pleased with the results.

"I am positively Sasukelicious," he whispered to his reflection, and smirked. His own gorgeous face smirked back.

He was _ridiculously_ hot, and he could live with that.

~*~  
>Unfortunately, he then had to face the idea that he had legions of fangirls.<p>

Worse, one of them had just been made his teammate.

Sakura trailed after him like a puppy. Sakura looked at him with hearts in her eyes. Sakura praised him far and wide (and _loud_) to anyone who would listen. Sakura stuck up for him, often violently, when he was perfectly capable of dealing with Naruto on his own. Sakura carried on about getting stronger because of him, about training harder to be worthy of him.

Sakura never seemed deterred by his complete lack of interest in her.

He wasn't sure what to do.

Until finally, in the middle of yet another miserable waste-of-time-and-skill D-rank mission, he just couldn't take Sakura's chirpy monologue about how the flowers they were harvesting for the Daimyou's wife's birthday were _really popular_ for weddings or whatever the hell she was pointedly blathering on about, not one second longer, and interrupted her with a sigh.

"Sakura, get this through your head: You and I are never going to happen. Deal with it."

Sakura stopped, and blinked. "But...Sasuke - "

"Oh, god, _enough_!" Sasuke glared her down, temper rising; who'd have thought that being ridiculously hot would have any kind of downside? "I'm _way_ too Sasukelicious for a flat-chested little girl like you!"

Sakura hit him (and she hit _hard_, dammit), then ran away crying, and then he had to deal with Naruto trying to beat the crap out of him for making Sakura cry. Kakashi hit them both with the Thousand Years of Pain to break it up before they drew any serious blood, but at least Sakura backed off in her obsessive devotion after that.

~*~  
>The obnoxious bleached-blonde at the flower shop tried to flirt with him a few weeks later; since declaring his hotness beyond Sakura's reach had worked better than ignoring her ever had, he decided it was worth another shot.<p>

"My body's too Sasukelicious for ya, babe!"

Her face twisted up into a pout that was both angry and affronted, and she stormed off.

~*~  
>It worked on the rest of the fangirls, too.<p>

Sasuke was almost...well, not really _happy_ - Sasuke didn't _do_ 'happy' - but maybe a bit relieved, at least.

He was able to live his broody-obsessive little life and plot fraternal vengeance in relative peace for awhile, and then the Chuunin exams came along.

~*~  
>For the longest time he wasn't sure if Kakashi was hot for him or not, the perv, but one day when the two of them were training for the final round of the exams, his sensei's attention just felt too...intense.<p>

Finally, when he couldn't take the phantom sensation of eyes on his ass anymore, Sasuke stopped gathering chakra for his next attempt at chidori and leveled his most dangerous glare at Kakashi. "I know you think your sharingan means we're _connected_ or some shit," he ground out, "but you'd better realize my body's too Sasukelicious for you, Sensei. I'm hot. I get it. Quit _staring_ - I'm not going to sleep with you."

Kakashi sighed, and it sounded more sad and wistful than he ever would have expected from the man. "You're really nothing like him after all, are you?"

Sasuke didn't know what 'him' Kakashi was talking about, but so long as Kakashi kept his hands and eyes and dirty thoughts to himself and just taught him to be _stronger_, they'd be fine.

He swore there was a brush of something very hand-like against the taut and perky curve of his ass, but when he whirled to confront Kakashi, his sensei was already gone.

~*~  
>He'd always suspected that Naruto lusted after him too, so it wasn't really a surprise when his teammate confessed after tracking him to the waterfall at the Valley of the End.<p>

Well, not that Naruto actually said anything remotely like 'I want you', but his vehemence in insisting that Sasuke not leave, that he belonged to the village and 'the team' needed him and all, made it obvious to Sasuke all the same.

Sasuke didn't want to hear it. "You idiot," he said, harshly, because _maybe_ he'd kind of thought that Naruto might be worthy of his hotness once or twice but he had to cut all those ties if he wanted to get strong enough to beat Itachi. "You're beneath me. I've always been too Sasukelicious for you."

The fight that followed was a fitting end to his days as a shinobi of Konoha.

~*~  
>Orochimaru gave him the creeps in so many ways, but the old snake was strong and he'd promised to make Sasuke strong too. That was worth the lecherous gazes and the leering innuendos and the handsy groping and everything <em>else<em> he had to put up with. Sucking Orochimaru's dick turned out to be as unpleasant as he'd imagined, but it was better than having actual sex with him and Sasuke just hoped the compromise was sufficient to stall any further advances until he got strong enough that he'd have more than a chance at defeating the sannin if it came down to a fight.

The day he realized what Orochimaru's long-term plans for him were, he put an instant stop to the cock-sucking business. "You need me more than I need you," he sneered, glad he'd never have to see that sickly-pale scrawny body _naked_ ever again. Orochimaru's sulky silence was all the confirmation he needed. "You get me when I become your vessel. This body's too Sasukelicious for anything else you have in mind."

Whether or not he was actually going to donate his hot body to Orochimaru's quest for immortality was still up for debate, but he wouldn't be donating it to the disgusting old creep's direct sexual gratification any longer.

~*~  
>Kabuto crept into his room while he was sleeping the next night.<p>

"If you prefer not to indulge yourself in Orochimaru-sama's bed, perhaps you'd let me...demonstrate for you the skills I've learned there instead, hm?"

"This body's too Sasukelicious for you, too," Sasuke told him, without even turning over, and Kabuto slunk out in a cloud of defeat.

~*~  
>When the new defector from Konoha showed up, Sasuke looked him up and down with contempt. This boy, this Sai - he was very pretty, almost as pretty as Sasuke himself, probably the type used to getting whatever he wanted from whomever he wanted just by batting his inky black lashes and pouting with that ridiculously over-developed mouth.<p>

Plus, he dressed like he was selling it.

Sasuke instantly disliked him.

"Just forget about it," he said, when Sai nodded to him as they passed in the corridor. He'd felt Sai's gaze turn to follow as he walked by, and he was _so sick and tired_ of every creep in this damned place wanting a piece of his fine ass.

"...Forget about what?" Sai asked, beaming like he didn't have a clue.

Sasuke lifted his chin and rolled one shoulder subtly so that his open shirt showed off just a little more of his chest - which was _way_ more toned and attractive than Sai's stupid midriff. "This - " he indicated his body with a flourish of both hands " - is _definitely_ too Sasukelicious for the likes of you."

That idiotic smile disappeared like a switch had been thrown and Sai's head tilted a little to the side. "I don't understand. What does that mean?"

God, but he was dense. "You and I are not having sex. Ever. Got it?"

"Alright," Sai agreed, blinking, and Sasuke scowled in broody satisfaction as he stalked on his way again.

~*~  
>Putting together his own team felt like a rebirth. Finally he was strong enough - he'd defeated Orochimaru, he could defeat Itachi - and finally he was moving toward his goal. And, perhaps best of all, he no longer had to put up with Orochimaru's constant ogling of his ass.<p>

On the other hand, Karin obviously lusted after his hot body, but she thankfully wasn't doing anything about it.

Until one night she did.

He pushed her out of his makeshift bed, exasperated. "No."

"But Sasuke - " She pushed her naked breasts together and up, trying to maximize the mediocrity nature had given her. "Don't you want me?"

Sasuke sighed; he was so tired of this shit. "Put your shirt back on, Karin - I'm not giving you any of this Sasukeliciousness."

There was a guffaw from the adjoining room of the little shack they'd holed up in for the night and Sasuke was on his feet in a heartbeat, stalking through the doorway and flicking on the light.

Juugo was curled in on himself in the corner, alert and quietly observing them all, but Suigetsu was rolling on the floor - literally - and laughing his skinny little sharp-toothed ass off.

"Shut up, Suigetsu!" Karin darted past him - all clothes back where they belonged, thank the gods - and Sasuke huffed out a sigh as she started kicking her hysterical teammate. With any luck, this humiliation would keep her from trying to put the moves on him again.

"Ow! Quit!" Suigetsu was still laughing even as he flailed to defend himself from Karin's ridiculously pointy toes, and Karin only attacked more viciously. Finally he managed to throw himself sideways, liquefying as he did so, and reformed with a splash on the other side of the small room, dodging behind Sasuke. "Dammit, Karin, chill! I'm not laughing at _you_!"

Karin pushed her glasses back up with a haughty little sniff. "Oh no?"

"No!" Suigetsu draped himself across Sasuke's shoulder as his sniggering giggles started back up. "Oh my god, Sauce, you're _too much_." He whacked Sasuke lightly in the arm and drew in a deep breath. "'Sasukeliciousness'? _Really?_" And he dissolved into laughter again.

Sasuke shrug-shoved Suigetsu off. "Back to bed. All of you. We leave at first light," he ordered.

Juugo closed his eyes obediently and Karin slunk back to her travel-cloak-slash-blanket without another word. Suigetsu was still trying to get his laughter under control.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "_Now_."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm goin'," Suigetsu returned mildly, and let the giggles peter out with a hiccuping sigh.

Back in the other room and blessedly alone again, Sasuke frowned. He should have been mad. He should have been doing something about that blatant lack of respect.

Instead, he was intrigued. Someone failing to be impressed with either his sexiness or his Uchihaness - that was new.

Very new.

~*~  
>Sasuke held on to that sense of interest, turning it over in his head and trying to figure it out without much luck. One day, quite randomly, he leaned in close to Suigetsu as they walked and murmured, "I'm too Sasukelicious for you," just to test the reaction.<p>

It sounded far more like a question than he'd meant it to.

Suigetsu laughed - not the kind of laugh that was _entirely_ cruel or derisive, mostly the kind that just meant he found what Sasuke'd said a little bit stupid but very very funny - and fell back to chat with Juugo.

Sasuke frowned, and it only looked like a sexy scowl through force of long habit.

~*~  
>Finally killing Itachi meant that he had to find a new goal in life - which, hey, destroy Konoha, why not - but it also meant that now he had a wee bit more room in his vengeful little mind for other things.<p>

Somehow, Suigetsu kept creeping back in.

Sasuke couldn't really get past the idea that Suigetsu wasn't phased by his hotness, didn't regard his Uchiha name as anything terribly impressive. It irked him, a lot, but it intrigued him at the same time.

So he started experimenting. He struck his best cool-and-aloof poses whenever Suigetsu was around. He tailored the open cut of his shirt to gape a little more, to show off his chest and his rippling abs better. He even started conditioning his hair, which still stuck up like the hind end of a duck regardless, but at least it had a nice shine to it now.

Suigetsu paid no notice.

It should have been humiliating, the irony of wanting the one person who hadn't shown the slightest interest in him. But Uchiha Sasuke didn't do humiliation, not anymore. Given that Suigetsu had never shown any particular _dis_interest in him, either, he figured he had at least a chance. He'd just have to be more direct.

~*~  
>"Suigetsu. You bunk with me tonight."<p>

Suigetsu made a noncommittal noise around the straw of his water bottle and kept sucking.

"Why does _he_ get to bunk with you?" Karin's question was half-whine and half-seduction.

Sasuke barely spared her a glance. "Because he's going to have sex with me."

Karin choked on the ration bar she'd just bitten into. Juugo reached a hesitant hand over to carefully pound her on the back.

Suigetsu just looked up at Sasuke, one eyebrow lifted, mouth still wrapped around his straw.

Sasuke flipped the long bits of hair that framed his face back over his shoulders (he'd grown them out longer specifically for their flirty value) and lowered his lashes, smouldering at Suigetsu for all he was worth. "Only if you want to, of course. But why wouldn't you want to?"

Suigetsu popped the straw out of his mouth and gestured with the water bottle. "Why _would_ I want to?"

Sasuke gave a litte shrug, making sure his shirt fell a bit more open in the process. "_Everyone_ wants to. I'm totally Sasukelicious, if you hadn't noticed."

Suigetsu cracked up.

Sasuke fumed, but held his temper, because he was trying to seduce the intriguing - er, infuriating bastard.

"_Dude_," Suigetsu finally managed, through dying giggles, and took another quick pull from his water bottle. "You've _got_ to quit using that ridiculous word. _Seriously_."

Sasuke let himself scowl just a little, the kind of scowl that made him look particularly haughty and unattainable. "Alright then, I'm _hot_. Everybody wants me. I could have sex with anyone I want." He twisted the corner of his mouth up just a little, just enough to turn the scowl into a smirk, and shifted into his best I'm-sexy-and-I-know-it stance. "And I choose you, Suigetsu."

Suigetsu looked him over, slowly, making a show of appraising him from head to foot.

"...I'll think about it, how's that."

"Fine."

~*~  
>Sasuke was confident that his case had been adequately made, but figured it didn't hurt to keep smouldering insistently at Suigetsu for the rest of the evening.<p>

Suigetsu rolled his eyes and turned away every time he caught Sasuke staring, but the little glances he threw back when he thought no one was looking convinced Sasuke that he was right.

Karin glared daggers at them both.

Juugo quietly ignored the whole thing.

~*~  
>Sasuke went to bed that night with something churning in the pit of his stomach that he refused to call uncertainty or nervousness, labeling it instead the anticipation of knowing Suigetsu would be succumbing to the lure of his gorgeous body any minute now -<p>

There was a watery sloshing sound in the vicinity of his feet, and then Suigetsu was standing over him in the dark, looking down with an expression that managed to convey both boredom and deep thought.

Silence hung between them for a long instant, and then Suigetsu shrugged.

"Ah, why not."

Sasuke masked his non-relief - because he hadn't been _worried_ or anything - with a triumphant smirk.

~*~  
><em>Epilogue<em>

In the end, of course, Suigetsu gave in to Sasuke's insistence without much of a fight because the guy _was_ pretty fine, after all, but mostly because he got sex out of the deal. The fact that it pissed off Karin was just bonus. He might have been less agreeable about the whole thing if he'd realized beforehand that Sasuke was a virgin (at least when it came to the important stuff) and that he had an embarrassing lack of stamina in the sack. It was a very long time before getting laid by Sasuke qualified as 'worth it'.

All the same, once the war was over and rumor held that Sasuke was still alive somewhere in hiding, Suigetsu found himself remembering their time together more fondly than he probably should have and eventually decided there was no real harm in tracking down his wayward boss and seeing if the old Sasukelicious spark still burned for him.

~*~  
><em>Extended Epilogue<em>

Itachi devoted the rest of his life to doing what he thought was the right thing for the village, himself, his brother, and never took up sexually with anyone after Shisui even if he had gotten the sense that Kisame wouldn't have said no. Some things were just more important, and he'd known he was dying anyway.

~*~  
>Sakura realized as she grew up that being strong for own sake was more fulfilling than trying to impress Sasuke had ever been, even if she never could stop caring about him. She had a brief fling with Karin during the latter's rehabilitation and eventually ended up dating the benign stalker - his name was Kyo, she found out (and he liked good books, long talks, lively music, and gardening in his spare time) - who'd approached her in the med-tent during the war.<p>

~*~  
>Ino went through scores of boys, some cuter than others but none of them as hot as Sasuke; after both her teammates turned her down in favor of each other she finally hooked up long-term with a lanky chuunin from Kumo (they're <em>still<em> arguing about who's moving to whose village when they get married, but Ino's confident she can make him see it her way).

~*~  
>Kakashi (who'd only entertained thoughts about getting into Sasuke's pants for <em>maybe<em> five minutes, all told) eventually moved on from Obito's ghost and got together with Yamato, who'd been crushing on him since their ANBU days. It was fun while it lasted, but they broke it off amiably enough down the road when Kakashi finally realized that 'My Eternal Rival' really meant 'I love you'. Gai's Manly Tears of Joy that day were an awesome sight to behold.

~*~  
>Naruto was really unnerved that Sasuke thought he <em>wanted<em> him, but admitted to the ring of truth about it all the same and, after the way his dick reacted to Sasuke's new wardrobe, started questioning his own sexuality. He sorted a few things out on that note with Sai, which could have gone a lot worse than it actually did, and eventually realized that between Gaara's rather public crush on him and Neji's tendency to magnetically gravitate to his side at any given opportunity he was going to have his hands plenty full without worrying about whether or not Sasuke fit into his lovelife as well.

~*~  
>Everybody pretty much knows what kinds of things happened between Orochimaru and Kabuto, in bed or out, and everyone agrees that it's pretty damn creepy and best not talked about in any detail.<p>

~*~  
>Sai still doesn't understand what 'Sasukelicious' means, but he was quite happy to help with Naruto's experimental phase and eventually realized the strength of his own attraction to Yamato, setting out to seduce him (successfully if not always conventionally) shortly after Yamato and Kakashi split. He looked up the term 'rebound' when he heard it directed toward their relationship, and wonders if they're still considered to be 'on the rebound' well over a year later.<p>

~*~  
>The Kage summit pretty much put the final nails in the coffin of Karin's love for Sasuke, and her fling with Sakura convinced her she'd be better off sticking to women, but she still thinks of Sasuke every now and then. Sometimes she wishes she could spy on him and Suigetsu, wherever they are, because it would serve those two bastards right.<p>

But also because, at the end of the day, he really _was_ just too Sasukelicious.

=====  
>Originally Posted: 121/11


End file.
